WEEK 6 - STEP FOUR (I) Resentments
[Before the meeting starts, give out a copy of the complete Step Four handout (the one
with the defects of character at the back) to all those who want one]
This week we consider Step Four. The section in the Big Book is from the bottom of page 63
to then end of the chapter How it Works. It describes the process by which we take inventory.
If the following all seems very complicated, don�t worry. We have written these notes out and
you can get a copy from the literature table. Also, your sponsor will be the greatest help in
explaining things.
What is a moral inventory? The Big Book explains that we must make a list that
includes all our resentments, an account of sexual conduct and our fears. Then we must look
at why we have bad feelings. We found that the reason is not, as we previously thought, what
happened to us, but our reaction to what happened. Always, we discovered, when we feel bad
about something, it is because we have reacted with self-centred thoughts. Self-centredness
has the opposite effect to love or compassion, which always cause us to feel good -- even in
extreme adversity.
This is a complicated step and there is too much information for a single talk. So we
will split it up into two. We will cover resentment this week.
What is a resentment? A resentment is any bad feeling relating to our past (which can
be the immediate past). Resentments can be directed against people, places or institutions:
these are the feelings of anger, irritation, dislike, antagonism that we feel toward someone or
something. These feelings can range in intensity from mild irritation to burning anger.
Resentments can also be directed against ourselves: these are the feelings of guilt, shame, and
regret we have for our actions or for things we have failed to do. Any negative sense about
our appearance or our bodies, for example, -- say I wished my hair was a different colour -- is
a resentment against ourselves. Annoyance about our bad luck or about how things seem to
go against us, are resentments against fate or whatever we believe controls fate (which might
be the Higher Power or God).
Why must we list resentments? Resentments are not the preserve of the alcoholic. All
people can get resentments (and for that matter fears and sexual problems -- as it says, �we
wouldn�t be human if we didn�t�). Nor is there any reason to believe that any alcoholic, simply
because he is an alcoholic, suffers resentment any more deeply than a non-alcoholic. We
know this because the Doctor�s Opinion in the Big Book tells us that some alcoholics are
perfectly well balanced in all matters except their attitude to drink. The problem for the
alcoholic is that the consequence of harbouring resentment is so much greater than for non-
alcoholics. If non-alcoholics have resentments, they just feel bad. But for the alcoholic, they
also shut out the Higher Power, the only thing that can save us. As the book says: �Harboring
such feelings cuts out the sunlight of the Spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink
again. And with us to drink is to die.� Alcoholics risk paying the highest penalty for hanging
on to a resentment.
How do we analyse our resentments? On page 65 of the Big Book there is a diagram
containing examples of several resentments. This diagram, with three columns, is just the
starting point. To illustrate how we proceed, we will deal with a fictitious example: imagine
the writer has a fight. In connection with this event he is able to isolate three different
resentments: he is angry with Fred, whom he fought; he was cross with some people who
watched the fight and gloated over his defeat; and he is full of regret that he wasn�t a stronger
man and a better fighter who could have beaten Fred in a fight. So our inventory might look
like this [hold up the visual while the next paragraph is read]:
Notice how generalisation is avoided and the single event, the fight, is split up into its
component resentments. The first three columns correspond to those in the Big Book. The
words that go in the �Affects My� column are listed in the Big Book. But, notice also that
there is a fourth column that does not appear in the diagram in the Big Book, which is headed
�Defects of Character�. This fourth column is there because on page 67 we are told that the
first three columns are not enough. It says:
�Referring to our list again. Putting out of our
minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we
been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened.� To be completely thorough in our
inventory the Big Book also tells us that we must be precise. For example, is my self-seeking
impulse one of jealousy or envy? Am I displaying selfishness or greed? The book says on
page 62 that we are driven by 100 forms of these things. We read the figure as an
exaggeration. There are not literally 100 of these impulses. The number has been exaggerated
to emphasise the point that there is a great diversity of the different forms. In fact, we found
that 14 different defects covered all the different self-seeking impulses that we experience.
The defects of character we used are on the handout that you have. We wrote down all the
resentments we remember ever having, even if the memory is not painful now, for the Big
Book says: �We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and
honesty.�
By taking inventory, we learned that it is the final column that holds the key to our
resentments. We are unhappy not because of what Fred did, however unjust it was, but
because of our defective reaction to it. When looked at in this way we can see that there is
no such thing as a justified resentment. The fact that we have a resentment about what
happened, no matter how unjust the action, is down to our defective, self-centred reaction to
what happened. As the Big Book says: �Though a situation had not been entirely our fault,
we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. The inventory was ours, not the other
man�s. We placed them before us in black and white.� In many of these situations it is a
straight choice � do we want to be right, or do we want to be happy? As alcoholics, it is never
good for us to harbour resentment for we risk drinking if do so. Fortunately, this process
shows us an analysis that will enable us to get rid of them. We should strive for compassion
and the strength to forgive those who have wronged us. The Big Book suggests that we ask
for tolerance, pity and patience. We don�t have to just sit back and let people do bad things to
us, but neither do we have to be resentful about it when it occurs.
That is our talk for this week. Next week, as a continuation of Step Four, we will
consider sex conduct and fears.
Now I am delighted to hand over to [Name] who is going to disclose in a general way
what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.